The Diggers’ Dispatch #44
The Diggers’ Dispatch
Well… whoever was responsible for last weekend’s weather forecast owes the people of Dublin a formal apology.
We were promised biblical rain, thunder, possible floods and what sounded like the end of civilisation itself. Parents packed rain jackets, coaches prepared for postponements and one particularly dramatic WhatsApp message suggested building an ark beside Albert.
Instead?
Wall-to-wall sunshine (well... nearly).
Very little rain.
Children playing football in actual pleasant conditions. Very suspicious altogether.
And thank God for it too, because the club was absolutely everywhere over the May Bank Holiday weekend. Our U14 Major Girls made club history by heading to France for their first-ever overseas tournament — and by all accounts represented Glasnevin brilliantly both on and off the pitch (and possibly terrified parts of rural France with the noise levels on the campsite). We’ve got a lovely write-up on that trip below, along with a weekend round-up that includes huge wins, heartbreaking defeats, tournament drama, refereeing confusion and — in a sentence I never expected to write — a stolen referee bicycle.
We’ve also got a fresh edition of Tales From The Sideline, where things somehow got even more ridiculous with a football stolen by a Jack Russell, Phil conducting unofficial pitch inspections, Daragh weaponising Whitney Houston and a heated debate involving Shelbourne FC and Bohemian FC that nearly required adult supervision.
And finally — a quick word on the lotto. The jackpot continues to grow at a rate that has left Lotto Ann visibly unsettled. She’s now staring at people in the clubhouse with the intensity of a woman carrying the financial hopes of a small nation. For the price of a coffee, you can support the club and possibly become very popular in your household.
Enter lotto here - 3 lines for a fiver
Best of luck to all teams back out this week, thanks as always to our brilliant coaches, volunteers and parents who somehow keep this beautiful madness moving forward.
Yours in football,
Digger
Editor-in-Chief
The Man from Del Monte Has Spoken… DCU’s New Pitches Are Class
Public Service Announcement for anyone who enjoys quality football facilities and slightly less mud in their lives…
The good people at Dublin City University Sport have just refurbished their 5-a-side pitches… and we can confirm they are an absolute belter.
Fresh surface. Brilliant setup. Proper facilities.
Some of our own members have seen them and the reviews have been glowing — which in grassroots football terms is rare enough, because usually someone is complaining that the goals are too small, the floodlights are too bright, or there’s “no proper place for a flask.”
Not this time.
Even Phil — and this is important — is impressed.
Now for those new to the club, Phil knows more pitches than most county councils. The man could probably locate an unused astro in rural Leitrim with nothing but a vague eircode and a strong cup of tea. If there’s a hidden football pitch within a ten-mile radius of Glasnevin, Phil has played on it, coached on it, inspected it, or at the very least complained about the parking.
And in the words of the great man from Del Monte…he says yes.
Which is as close to a five-star review as you’ll get around here.
As expected, availability is limited for block bookings, so if you’re interested in securing slots:
Contact: Maya.kirby@dcu.ie
Get in before Phil tries to book every available hour for the next six months.
The Digger’s Dispatch – Weekly Round-Up
Rain, drama, France, stolen bicycles and enough football to age coaches by ten years
There are quiet weekends at football clubs.
This was not one of them.
This was one of those stretches where Albert College Park resembled a small military operation — coaches sprinting between pitches, parents surviving on coffee and blind optimism, WhatsApp groups firing like emergency dispatch centres and somebody, somewhere, definitely questioning their life choices while standing in sideways rain.
And in the middle of all that…
Friday – Bonjour from the Diggers 🇫🇷
A genuinely landmark weekend for Glasnevin FC.
For the first time ever, one of our girls teams headed overseas for tournament football as our U14 Major Girls boarded a flight to France.
And if that sentence doesn’t make you smile, check your pulse.
These girls are trailblazers for every young girl now coming through the club. The little ones watching today will be dreaming of doing exactly the same thing in a few years’ time.
By all accounts they travelled in serious style too — looking sharp in their new Glasnevin tracksuits thanks to Prospect Environmental Services.
Reports from France suggested:
- brilliant football
- serious noise levels
- campsite chaos
- dancing
- team bonding
- and one match where we may or may not have been robbed of victory (international refereeing conspiracies now confirmed).
The girls faced academy sides and older opposition, handled themselves brilliantly and represented the club beautifully.
Massive credit to coaches Lee, Paul and Sam, the committee, all the parents — and special mention to the parents who somehow managed the logistical operation of getting kits, gear and children onto an international flight.
That deserves a UEFA licence in itself.
A trip of a lifetime.
One the girls will never forget.
And a huge moment for Glasnevin FC.
Saturday
U8 Boys
Our youngest Diggers headed to the St. Mochta's FC May Bank Holiday tournament and behaved like seasoned tournament veterans.
One team won the Plate.
One team reached the Cup Final and finished runners-up.
Both teams won semi-finals on penalties because apparently stress now begins at eight years of age.
Brilliant passing. Great teamwork. Top-class goalkeeping.
The future is very bright.
U15.5 Boys
Glasnevin 7-5 St. Maelruans
Defending was placed under temporary suspension for this fixture.
Pure end-to-end chaos.
Goals everywhere.
The blood pressure of everyone involved reportedly remains under medical review.
But three points are three points and the lads got the job done away from home.
Over 35s
Glasnevin 2-1 Rivervalley
While the younger lads provided chaos, the veterans provided professionalism.
A tough physical battle away from home but the boys dug deep and got a huge league win.
Ice baths, deep heat and early bedtimes all round.
Sunday
U10.2 Boys
Esker 5-4 Glasnevin
One of those defeats that somehow feels encouraging.
The lads played outstanding football and were unlucky not to take something.
Even the opposition coach admitted they were the best footballing side they’ve faced.
That luck will turn.
U10.6 Boys
Glasnevin 12-1 St Paul’s
Now this was a statement.
After previously losing 7-2 to the same opposition, the lads produced an outrageous turnaround.
Relentless pressing. Huge intensity.
They absolutely flew into everything.
Outstanding response.
U10.15 Boys
Glasnevin 4-9 Portmarnock
A strange one.
3-1 up at half-time and cruising before things unraveled in the second half.
A few quick goals conceded and confidence dipped.
A tough lesson — but plenty to learn from.
U11.4 Boys
Glasnevin 2-4 Swords Celtic
Battled hard but came up short.
Keep going lads.
U11.6 Boys
Glasnevin 1-7 St John Vianney
A difficult day but heads stay up.
We go again.
U12 D14 Boys
Glasnevin 2-4 Greenhills
Only eight players available.
Eight.
And they still delivered an unbelievable performance.
Heart of lions stuff.
U12 D11 Boys
Glasnevin 3-4 St John Vianney
Another one where the report writer was too emotionally drained to provide detail.
Which frankly tells you everything.
U12 D5 Boys
Glasnevin 3-4 Kilnamanagh
A huge win for the lads.
Brilliant result.
U13.2 Boys
Malahide 3-4 Glasnevin
Read that scoreline again.
No typo.
Our first league win of the season.
2-0 up.
Then 3-2 down.
Then somehow winning 4-3.
Absolute scenes.
Given how hard this group have worked all season, nobody deserved that feeling more.
U13.9 Boys
Leicester Celtic 0-3 Glasnevin
Huge away win.
Special thanks to Ryan and Ben from the 2014s who stepped up and delivered massive performances.
That’s club football.
U16 Major Boys
Glasnevin 0-6 Castleknock Celtic FC
A tough afternoon.
Sometimes football simply asks difficult questions.
This was one of those days.
Monday
U9.4 Boys
Tournament football in Greenhills United FC.
And what an effort.
- 4 games
- 2 wins
- 1 draw
- 1 loss
- Semi-final heartbreak
The lads lost in the final ten seconds of the semi-final to Tolka Rovers FC — who then went on to win the final 6-0.
That one will sting.
But the football was excellent, the sportsmanship was brilliant and Martim Breannan picked up player of the tournament for Glasnevin.
Outstanding stuff.
Tuesday
U13.2 Boys
Glasnevin 0-2 Malahide
Games coming thick and fast.
Plenty of chances created.
Unfortunately the finishing boots were left at home.
We move.
U13.9 Boys
Glasnevin 1-1 Newlands
Should’ve been ours.
Refereeing drama.
A penalty awarded.
Then somehow…unawarded.
We are still awaiting clarification from VAR, FIFA and possibly the Hague.
Still — the lads are improving every week.
Wednesday
U11.4 Boys
Glasnevin 2-1 Portmarnock
Excellent response after Sunday.
Great win.
U12 D5 Boys
One of those nights where the football gods simply laughed.
Posts hit.
Crossbars rattled.
One cleared off the line.
Pain.
But they’ll keep fighting.
U12 D14 Boys
A superb home win in Albert after a difficult few weeks.
Massive effort from everyone.
And a big shoutout to Liam from the U11s who stepped up brilliantly.
Pure club football.
U15.2 Boys
Phoenix 1-0 Glasnevin
Looked destined for a nil-all draw.
Then Phoenix scored with the final kick.
Cruel.
But somehow not the most dramatic moment of the evening.
That honour belongs to the referee, who halted the game for 15 minutes after realising his bicycle had been stolen.
Now…we sympathise.
We do.
But leaving your bike behind the goal probably wasn’t tactical genius.
A whip-around was briefly discussed.
Then someone reminded everyone he’d given us absolutely nothing all evening.
And pockets remained firmly zipped.
Somewhere during this chaos, it’s strongly rumoured a left shoe was removed.
No further questions.
That’s your weekly round-up.
Wins, losses, French adventures, late heartbreak, semi-final agony, refereeing confusion and one missing bicycle.
Just another perfectly normal week at Glasnevin FC.
And we wouldn’t have it any other way.
The Day Football Left Albert (Briefly)
Some say it happened, some say it didn’t... but Digger swears it’s true!
There are certain Sundays in Albert College Park where everything runs smoothly.
This was not one of them.
This was a Sunday where, by 8:07am, Chris Kiernan had already rang me twice, Daragh had sent four voice notes that simply said “where are the bibs?”, and Lotto Ann was standing beside the goals muttering to herself about direct debits and “people not taking the jackpot seriously enough.”
Standard enough.
I arrived up to Albert just after nine with a cup of tea strong enough to restart a tractor and immediately sensed trouble.
Not football trouble.
Strange trouble.
The first warning sign was Phil.
Now as we all know, Phil knows every football pitch in a ten-mile radius of Glasnevin. The man has opinions on surfaces most people have never heard of. If there’s an astro hidden behind a school in Finglas built in 2009, Phil has booked it.
But this morning Phil wasn’t talking.
He was staring blankly across Albert like a man who had seen something deeply upsetting.
“Phil,” I said cautiously.
He turned slowly.
“The football’s gone.”
Now.
That is not something you want to hear before underage kick-offs.
“What football?”
“The football.”
“Which football?”
“The football we were using for warm-ups.”
There was silence.
Then Declan Coyle appeared like a war correspondent.
“I saw what happened.”
And this is where things took a turn.
According to Declan, one of the younger teams had left a ball near the railings for approximately eleven seconds when a rogue Jack Russell entered the scene.
Not a dog.
A football terrorist.
This thing moved like prime Lionel Messi in a small furry body.
It burst through a gap in the railings, grabbed the ball cleanly, ignored three screaming coaches and disappeared towards Ballymun Road like it had a connecting flight.
Parents gave chase.
Children gave chase.
One grandad reportedly vaulted a small fence.
Noel Carroll removed his left shoe.
Nobody knows why.
Meanwhile, Paddy was trying to run an U13 warm-up while explaining to parents that no, club insurance does not cover football theft by domestic animals.
Then things somehow got worse.
Whitney Houston began blasting across the park.
Loudly.
Very loudly.
And not from a speaker.
From Daragh.
Now before anyone panics, Daragh had somehow become involved in a dispute over pre-match music between two players — one wanted drill music, another wanted techno.
Daragh, a man pushed beyond his limits, seized the speaker and declared:
“If ye can’t agree, ye’re getting Whitney Houston.”
And suddenly thirty children were warming up to I Wanna Dance With Somebody.
Which, in fairness, lifted the mood considerably.
Even Phil nodded approvingly.
Then came the final layer of madness.
A heated sideline debate broke out between Ross and Danny regarding whether Shelbourne FC would finish above Bohemian FC this season.
What began as healthy football discussion quickly escalated into historical references, league tables from 2004 and one man loudly shouting:
“YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND TRANSITIONAL FOOTBALL.”
Nobody knew what that meant.
Least of all him.
By midday the missing football was eventually recovered.
A local resident found the Jack Russell proudly sitting in a front garden beside the ball like a criminal returning to the scene.
No remorse.
No apology.
Just vibes.
The matches went ahead.
The kids were brilliant.
The coaches somehow survived.
Chris stopped ringing me.
And Lotto Ann sold seventeen more lotto lines after telling people the club needed “enhanced football security.”
Somewhere in Dublin a Jack Russell is still telling his mates about the time he pressed high in Albert and nicked possession cleanly.
And honestly?
You have to respect it.
Yours in football,
Digger